It’s the most wonderful time of the year! As part of the franchise’s 30th anniversary celebrations, the latest generation of Pokemon games has been unveiled.
Dubbed Winds and Waves, these Switch 2 entries look gorgeous so far, and will hopefully put the dark, glitchy days of Paldea behind us.
As is tradition, alongside the titles and region, the trio of starter Pokemon were introduced; there’s the Grass-type chick Browt, the “Sobble you got on Temu”-looking Gecqua, and the most important of them all: Pombon.
Why is Pombon the most important? Why, because it is a Pomeranian, of course. This adorable little ball of fluff is the newest Fire-type starter, and it doesn’t appear to have a single thought within its head. It’s pretty much perfect, and upholds the proud legacy of cute mammalian starters.
With that being said, being a mammalian starter comes with a certain reputation, and one look at the reveal trailer’s top comments will make our biggest concern clear.
“That dog better not stand on two legs, dammit.”
To the uninformed, it sounds like the unhinged ranting of an overzealous creationist. But for those amongst us who have been proud Pokemon trainers for a while, it evokes some painful memories.
Dating back roughly to generation 5’s Tepig, we have never had a cute, quadrupedal mammalian starter that maintained these traits throughout its evolution. Not once, not ever.
Tepig would go on to become the boar warlord (boarlord?) Emboar, setting an infuriating precedent that has become a meme in its own right over the years.
Cute fox kit Fennekin? Fluffy wizard Delphox. Cute fire feline Litten? Professional wrestling catman Incineroar. Cute grassy meow meow Sprigatito? Masquerade ball enthusiast — and owner of the most disturbing shapely legs this franchise has ever seen — Meowscarada.
It might not seem that important to some people. After all, the whole point of Pokemon evolution is to represent the ways species change over time. That’s all well and good, but many of the best fully evolved starters are those that maintain the basic concept of their base form.
Charizard has grown wings and horns, while still fundamentally resembling Charmander. Serperior takes on a more serpentine visage than Snivy, but remains a smug, distinctly francophone reptile. Decidueye is what happens when you put a hoodie on your Rowlet and then it dies. This all makes sense, you see.
If I choose, say, a cute puppy starter like Pombon, my earnest hope is that it will grow to be a majestic, spectacular canine upon evolution. I don’t want to go into battle with some kind of godless fursona that looks me dead in the eye as if to say, “love me, daddy.”
No, I will not love you, Pombaron (an arbitrary name I’ve just now made that is a portmanteau of Pomeranian and baron, DO NOT STEAL), I have ostensibly enslaved you for the sole purpose of pitting you against other monsters in order to bolster my fame.
Why, exactly, the Pokemon Company has pulled the rug out from underneath us with its starters is beyond me. Perhaps they figure that a humanlike Pokemon is more recognizable, or easier to cosplay as. I merely scoff at their lack of vision.
Most significantly, however, is the fact that we have had a wealth of mammalian quadrupedal evolutions outside of the starter Pokemon. Ninetales, Arcanine, Delcatty, Houndoom, Stoutland, Gogoat, Boltund, Dachsbun, the Eeveelutions, the list goes on and on.
Why do these Pokemon iterate on their pre-evolved forms so suitably, where the starters do not? Part of me suspects that someone in the dev team caught wind of these grievances decades ago, and has been purposely tormenting us ever since.
I will call this theoretical game developer Gary Badman, and I will put him somewhere in the realm of quality control. Because as we know, nobody of sound mind works in quality control.
So yes, Pombon. Right now you are the hot stuff in both the literal and metaphorical sense. But you have an opportunity lying before you; one that would unshackle millions of gamers across the globe.
I don’t care if you evolve into a cloudlike beast, a hulking brute, or even a godforsaken poodle. Just as long as you stay on all four legs and vaguely resemble a dog, you’ll have a place in my heart forevermore.